Rocavaco’s remix of Your Horrorscope .
Your Horrorscope
Capricorn.
You may interact with a man sometime in the next few days. This could be the catalyst for a life-changing experience. Or not.
You like to assess all the risks before you jump. Face it. You never will.
Just remind yourself every day that Life is the ultimate terminal disease.
Aquarius.
Sensitive and New Age, naturally you want the approval of all of your friends and relatives. Be patient. They are beginning to understand you. You are a gutless wimp who can’t make decisions. You have about as much spine as overboiled fettuccine. You will never find true happiness.
Pisces.
You’ll have a lot of interruptions on Monday. Try to focus.
You’ll prevaricate later in the working week. Don’t wait until matters reach crisis-point. It’s time to confront your close friend and colleague. Level with her about the halitosis.
Aries.
This week you’ll be delayed in traffic at some point. Don’t have an anxiety attack – you’ll probably eventually arrive wherever it is that you want to go.
On Friday you’ll finally pluck up the courage to see your doctor about that long-term problem. The news won’t be good. Put it this way – if I were you I wouldn’t be buying any green bananas…
Taurus.
Those financial problems you’ve been having lately will soon be a thing of the past. By the end of this week you’ll want for nothing. The mortgage will be paid in full and you’ll have a state-of-the-art Home Theatre System. You’ll still have niggling doubts about the ethical issues surrounding the robbery and shooting that unfortunate security guy in the stomach.
Gemini.
Nothing at all will happen to you for the next seven days. Try to avoid disappointment.
Libra
Being a Libran, you’re inherently inquisitive. This week you’ll ask the postman “Why is the sky blue?”
Leo.
Friends have learned to accept your wearing your heart on your sleeve. But there’s a limit. They’re not especially interested in the details of your sexual relationships. When they ask “How are you?” they don’t really want to know about your fungal infection. But stand your ground. Don’t change. By the end of the month your friends will have moved on…
Scorpio.
Now that taciturn Saturn has left the vital mid-heaven angle of your chart, all those persistent problems of last month will resolve themselves. The rash in your groin will clear up nicely, the bank manager you detest will die unexpectedly of an aneurism and that nubile young thing from Accounts will turn into a nymphomaniac with eyes only for you.
Sagittarius.
There’s no sugar-coating this one. Pluto’s entered your constellation and doesn’t bode well. Best to stay in bed all week and watch day-time TV, order in pizza, drink wine from the cardboard box and suffer chronic depression.
Perhaps you could recall all of your past failures with the opposite sex? (Or your own?)
Why not make a list of every mistake you’ve made in your life or think of all the clever things you should have said to those who’ve hurt you?
Accept it. You’ve always been a loser. It’s just your typical luck. You don’t deserve any better.
Or you could look on the bright side – sure, you haven’t achieved anything in your pathetic little life, but, on the other hand, you probably never will…
Virgo.
Discussions in a group you’re affiliated with could get heated as disagreements escalate. In a just world that goal you’ve been working toward would finally near fulfillment on Saturday night. But the world isn’t fair. Your frigidity will remain intact. You are doomed to live out the name of your star-sign. Longer-term prospects indicate that you’ll still be living with Mother when you’re 59.
Try to remain optimistic.
Cancer.
What I predicted last week about a change for the better didn’t eventuate. Learn to embrace disappointment.
You may even become disillusioned with horoscopes and resolve to take control of your own life.
© Rob Walker Horrorscopes 2011